Written the evening of Wednesday, March 24th, 1999...
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I'm still in shock.
As expected, he was at the party. What was unexpected was that I had that effect on him. As he was leaving, after a full evening of making me feel less than worthy as a person, I cornered him and told him I still cared even though he hated me. His face was filled with shock and he told me he'd come over sometime and talk. I thought nothing of it and went back to the party. Surely he'd never make time for me. Then when I came home the next day I looked at the voicemail and caller ID. He called three times and left one message. It was too late to return his calls, so I paged him on Monday and he asked to come over after work. Then it was his turn to surprise me. He asked for me back. For a very long time all I wanted was for him to come back to me. At first I'd forced myself to see others. I went out with guys just to go out, not because I had a real interest in them, but because that's what I was told that I should do. I forced myself not to refer to him in conversations. It was very difficult. So without thinking, as a conditioned response, I went back to him. After he left, I slept on the decision that I had made. Waking up, nothing felt different. I didn't feel elated or satisfied or complete. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't handle it. Why had I gone back to him? Then he came over last night and I shocked him. After he prepared dinner and we ate, I just stared at him. I wondered what I saw in him. What made me want him back after three months of severe changes? Finally being honest with myself I realized it. He was safe. He said he loved me. But the truth was, I didn't love him like I used to. No, a part of me still cared for him deeply, but he'd hurt me in a way I don't think I could ever forgive. I was afraid of being rejected by the guy I've started to care deeply about. We'd been dating for over a month and had kept an open relationship. It was something I'd begun to feel very uncomfortable with because somewhere along the way I began to care for him. I thought that if I told him this he'd want to stop seeing me for fear of hurting me or me hurting him. By going back to my ex, I was taking the sure bet instead of taking the risk for someone who I was beginning to feel deeply for. When I tried to tell him that I'd went back to my ex, I couldn't. I was feeling things for him that I should have been feeling former ex. When I looked at my ex, I was in love.... but not with him, with the feelings I used to have when I was with him. He killed those feelings somewhere along the way. When I opened my eyes and saw that, I knew what I had to do. Everything was wrong because I had jumped too quick. So I did my best to do damage control. I told my ex how I felt now... how it was different. I told him how I used to run away from my problems or let them over-ride me instead of standing up to them, that the problems between he and I would always be there because they're deeply rooted in our personalities, not the events that were taking place, and furthermore, if bad events were to occur again, we'd still make each other miserable. He understood and we parted. I didn't cry. I didn't feel bad. I didn't hurt because of him anymore. Then I called the guy I've been dating and told him everything, uncensored. To my shock, it hurt him deeply and I discovered that he had feelings for me. Terrified, I thought that I had blown it with him. Here I was, screwing things up phenomenally again. He told me he needed time to think and sort things out. He asked me if he wasn't around, would I go back to my ex? Then another startling revelation occurred... I said that I wouldn't. That it was definitely over with him and that I had screwed up royally and wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to see me again. He went to bed eventually and I worried about him all night and morning. All I thought about was if he was okay. We had agreed that he needed time to cool off and that we'd meet for coffee today. All day long I was sure he'd axe me, tell me he never wanted to see me again, that he couldn't trust someone like me. When he came and picked me up, I almost didn't go down to the lobby to meet him. When I got out to the car I almost stopped and told him to just tell me there... that it would be more humane that way even though I believed I deserved whatever he said to me. We went to the coffeehouse where we had our first date and sat down with our drinks. I stared at my tea while he laid it all out for me. He was hurt badly, but partly blamed himself for not stepping up the relationship sooner. He asked me what had happened and I told him. He asked me if I wanted my ex back and I said no. Then he asked if I wanted a relationship with him. I barely choked out a yeah and then we set the basic ground rules. So now I guess we're exclusive. It's going to be really hard for a while because of me violating his trust, but I'm really grateful for the second chance. He's someone who I really care about. So within the last 72 hours I've gone from a single girl with many men to the girlfriend with the man from my past to the ex girlfriend yet again to part of an exclusive couple with someone I care about. Now all I hope is that he'll be able to trust me again sometime soon. Tomorrow I go out of town for a few days and that's probably for the best. He needs some time away from me to sort out his feelings. I really don't deserve him, but I'm willing to work on it. |